Sunday, December 2, 2007

A New Post, I'm as shocked as the rest of you.

Yay, I'm making a new post. And another new thing, a title to the post. Awesome isn't it? So here the thing, I've been sorta busy (work is hell, quit while your ahead) so I havn't written much, nor have I had the mindset to write the stuff only the twisted mind of Axlle could put out. I've started a new story, but already forgot whats it's about, have a second in short draft rolling about in that empty space I call a mind. And another behind that. But the last one might turn into a screenplay. (Other no talent writers are making movies, and I wanna be rich to!!!) We'll see how things go in the upcoming weeks, months, years, etc... I'd have a punchline, or a quote, or perhaps a far off mention of whats in an upcoming story, but I've forgot the story I'm working on, and it's to early in the morning to come up with a joke, or perhaps to late at night. Good night, Good morning, Good evening... Tah, Later and BUGGER OFF!!!

Oh right, presales for my book of short stories for families over the age of 18 starts, well, more then likly never, but if you want to send me money for a copy, I'll still cash the check.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Woo, new story, hot off the presses, or umm, keyboard. Hope you like it, tell your friends and loved ones, leave many a comment, I love to hear them.

Life in a factory.
By: Axlle

“Yeah boss?”
“Edward, I got a call from the supervisor from across the factory. He said they need a new assembly worker.”
“Okay, what does this have to do with me?”
“Simple, I’m sending you down there. Along with the new job there is a slight pay increase.”
“Excellent, when do I start?”
“In two weeks, after you train your replacement.”
“Does it really take two weeks to train a guy to do my job?”
“That is the amount of time you have, yes.”
“But, my job is so simple a monkey could do it. I mean, a day to train someone to screw these two parts togther is more then enough time.”
“Look, your stuck here for two more weeks whether I like it or not.”
“Pardon? No, never mind. I’ll have the new guy ready to go by then.”
“Good, you’ll meet them tomorrow. Now get back to work.”
“Aye boss.”
So was the conversation that led me into the oddest parts of the company. And, fairly soon, the next day came and I met my replacement for the first time.
“Hi, I’m the new guy” he said, a bit to chipper to have worked here for long, or ever.
“Well, you got a name new guy?”
“Yeah, but no one calls me by it anyway.”
“I see your point, sort of. In any case, I’m Eddie, and I’ll be training you for the next two weeks.”
“Okay Eddie, when do we start?”
“Right now, but I must warn you, this job is dull.”
“Good, I like dull things.”
“Okay then… Here is what you do. Take this cylinder in one hand, and this rubber wheel in the other, and screw them together. You don’t even have to screw it in all the way; the people in the next bay do that. Then you take the “completed” part, and put it onto this conveyer belt.”
“Oh, seems easy” He said confidently
“I don’t think it could get much easier. Go ahead and try one.” I told him
“Sure thing Ed”
“It’s Eddie”
After starring at the parts for way to long, he made his first attempt to assemble the pieces.
“How’s this Eddy?”
“It’s Eddie.”
“Eh?” He said, a bit puzzled.
“Never mind, let’s see how you did.”
Examining the part in my hand, I soon discovered he some how managed to screw up. Or backwards in this case. There was no doubt left in my mind I was going to need the whole two weeks for this. I showed him how to assemble the part again, and again, and again. Finally quitting time arrived, and of course, the boss pulled me aside before I could sneak off.
“Edward!” He shouted, even though I was right next to him.
“Yeah boss?” My normal reply.
“How is the new guy coming along?
“Well boss, I don’t think you could of found a bigger idiot if you tried.”
“So is he going to work out?”
“How should I know boss?”
“Well, you still have two weeks to train him.”
“Aye boss, two weeks.” I stated depressingly
I don’t think two weeks ever seemed so long, but they crawled by. The new guy, whom I still don’t know the name of, slowly figured out his job. And finally, the day I was looking forward to came.
“Edward!” The boss yelled, as I walked by that morning.
“Yeah boss?”
“Is the new guy trained?”
“As trained as he’s going to be.”
“Good, I want you to meet Scott. He is going to show you to your new job.
“Hello Scott, nice to meet you.”
“Shut up and let’s get going Charles.”
“It’s Eddie sir.”
“It’s Charles now.”
“I don’t see how that works, but whatever you say I guess.”
“Now. I’m here to show you to your new job. So if you’ll follow me.” He said, starting to walk away.
What I saw on the way to my new work station can only be described as odd. Very, very, odd.
We walked past my last station to find my replacement stuck in a hole in the wall. Which I’ve managed never to of noticed before. And not giving it a second thought, we continued on our way. We soon reached the bay next to mine.
“Tom, if you were ever curious as to what happens to your assembled parts, they come here to be screwed down.”
“I thought it was Charles… Wait, is that a monkey doing my job?”
“No, a monkey can’t do your job, they aren’t smart enough. He’s screwing that wheel the rest of the way down.”
“Well.” I said. “I hope you don’t pay him more then me.”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business Ed-e.”
“It’s Eddie, Scott.”
“And if you’ll follow me” he said, ignoring my comment. “You’ll see just what it is we build here.”
“Now there is something I’ve always wondered.”
We walked on for some time. I tried to look in as many bays I could. I watched as my parts disappeared and others were being worked on. Watching horse drawn wagons pull parts back and forth. Then seeing all those parts grow to something truly massive.
“Now Terry, behind these doors is the final product.
I looked at the doors he mentioned. They were three feet tall. This had me perplexed.
“There to discourage people from going inside. Follow me, and don’t touch anything.”
I followed Scott through those tiny doors, and into a room a few hundred feet tall. I had a good look around, and saw what must have been five hundred people working on one thing or another. Then I set my eyes upon what they were building. I saw its engines, its wings, and its NASA logo.
“Hang on. I work for NASA?”
“What makes you think that?” Scott replied
“Well, the logo for one.”
“Few people know what they actually do and who the actually work for.”
Scott gave a grin that chilled me to the bones after saying that.
“Isn’t that something. So, what will I be doing in here?”
“Oh Paul, you don’t work in this room.”
“I don’t” I said a bit disappointed.
“Of course not, I’ll show you to your new home.” Scott said, in a voice that made me want to punch him.
“I don’t like calling this place home.”
“Well, you certainly spend enough time here.”
“I think I spend too much time here.”
We passed many more bays on the way to our final destination. I must say I enjoyed watching the part get smaller and smaller. Wait, smaller?
“Hey Scott?” I asked
“I do wish you’d shut up Barry.”
“Edd… Oh, forget it. I just thought it seemed odd that the parts are getter smaller.”
“Oh, they are Bob. We build the aircraft, disassemble it, and sell half the parts.”
“Half the parts?”
“Yep. The other half is sent back through the line.”
“This place makes less sense the longer I work here.”
“Yep, soon you’ll just accept it and smile.”
“I doubt that will ever happen Scott.”
“We’ll see” Scott said
And so we went along our way. I never dreamed the factory was that size. And it wasn’t to long before we reached our final destination that something slipped out of my mouth.
“So, if we only sell half the parts. Who pays for all this?” I asked, knowing I’d regret it.
“Oh, well, these parts are rather expensive. Of course, our normal buyer is Russia. What they choose to do with them is none of our business.” He stated “Ah, here we are at you new home Richie.”
“I do wish you’d call me Eddie.”
“It doesn’t matter what I call you. You probably will never see me again.?
“What if I get transferred again?”
He gave a disheartening chuckle and opened the door to my new work station.
“This job is real simple Adam. Just screw that rubber wheel into that metal bit.”
“I just came from this job!” I yelled so hard my voice strained.
“Nonsense, your last job had three inch wheels, these are five inches.”
A slight grin came across my face. I couldn’t seem to get rid of it.
“Oh and Guy” he said, about to walk out. “Don’t worry about the blood on the walls, we’ll have that cleaned up soon.
So life went on. For the next two weeks I sat in that small room, staring at the red stained walls. Doing the exact job I was dancing to be free of, give or take a few inches. Till one day, Scott appeared at my door.
“Bad news Mark, you’re not working out here.” He said, all to chipper. But I was hardly surprised. “Now, you’ve seen to much of the company for us to fire you, so your being relocated.”
“Where to boss?” I said with a smile I couldn’t and didn’t want to remove.
“Antarctica.” he said happy with himself.
“And what will I be doing there?” At this point, my smile must have gone around the side of my head.
“Nothing, you’re just going there.”
“Okay boss.”
As we walked out the door, a lemur walked in, sat down, and started doing my job. I just remember being happy for him.
Now I’m sitting in this cargo plane, waiting to land. Grinning ear to ear.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Okay, about a year ago, I was talking with a friend about his jerk boss. And I came up with a quote so powerful, it will change the way you think forever!!! Unless your me, I already think like this. The joys of being the mighty Axlle, eh?

"Everyones boss is a jerk. Your boss, my boss, our bosses boss, and our bosses bosses boss. This chain of jerk goes all the way to the head of the company. And It doesn't stop there. For the head of every company is bossed around by the government. And what is the government but a triangle of jerks bossing each other around?"

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Okay, it's been awhile, and I'm sorry to say, no new stories. I do have one in works, and one plot forming in my head. And I have got a slightly revised version of the first story down there. Few more jokes, fixed some typos, so forth. I have very little time to myself currently, but hopeful at the end of the month, I'll have alot more time, and alot of stories to write. I guess I should leave you with the common Axllayick (pronouced Axe-lay-ick) joke, but I can't think of any. Oh wait, theres one.

The lemurs will steal all your jobs.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Okay, more stories to come, and hopefuly, I can get my Word to work and post the updated edited version of the first story. One of these days I'll figure out how computers work.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Sex, drugs, and talking yaks. Not just a lifestlye anymore. It's now Axlle's personal blog short story poster thingy. Becuase the crap I've been know to write is like, way out there in the whole adult content thing. Thus the title. All three of those things are in my first story, which, is right above, so you've probaly read it already. I hate you. Anyway, have fun.
Adventures in a new dimension
By Me Finished
original text on March 4th, 2007 Copied to Word document March 5th, 2007

I guess things could be worse. This is a phrase used by many people to cheer them up, or perhaps give a little hope. I'd use it now, but looking at those steel bars, I think it's about as bad as it gets. I guess you're a bit late in this story, so lets fill you in a bit. After all, I got nothing but time.

I guess the begining would be when I was about five, but no one cares about me disappearing for a few hours once, I swear I was standing in the room everyone else was in. So I think the better place to start would be two weeks after my twentieth birthday. I was still in college and we were out for a crazy night. Of course, our fake ID's didn't get us anywhere. So we ended up at a waffle house for a few hours. And who hasn't done that? While we were there, some idiot who, we later found out was the dean of our school, decieded to rob the place. Somewhere in the process of another idiot, who I later found out was me, trying to take the gun anyway from idiot number one, I ended up getting shot. Minor as it was, I ended up passing out and having some sort of dream about how to slip into dimensions unknown. Even I thought I was nuts for awhile.
A few weeks later came spring break. For no particular reason I stayed at the college that week. Okay, I had a reason, a very cute reason. But, after being turned down for dinner for the tenth or eleventh time, I got bored and ended up sitting in my dorm. So I figured, if I got nothing better to do, I'd try this new dimension thing. I thought long and hard trying to slip into a different dimension. I didn't even think this hard on the test last week. I should of though, I did terribly. At some point I releized how crazy I was being, and laughed it off.
"Man, All that thinking made me hungry" I said. I must have been talking to an imagenary friend or something.
So I went down to the dinning hall for a third a fourth lunch. When I got to the dinning hall, I had a bit a trouble picking up a tray. Hell, my hand was going right through the trays.
"Damn, I hungry… I mean, I did it. Woo!?"
Then some guy walked right through me and cut in the line.
"You jerk! Just because I'm not visable doesn't mean I wasn't here first!"
After releizing he couldn't hear me, I had to slap myself. It was at that point I had a great idea.
"The girls showers!" Once again, I slapped myself for talking to myself again.
So, after making a few failing attempts at taking some humburgers, I went off to the girls showers. After waiting awhile for someone to come in, the door finaly opened. Lord and behold, the reason I stayed walked in. She looked in the direction I was sitting and let out a scream. I later found out this had something to do with me. I guess I may have been able to outrun the girls, but I couldn't outrun how fast they talk. And sitting on my bed, minding my own buisness, trying to figure out what went wrong, there was a knock at my door.
The new dean was not a nice man. I liked the old dean a lot better, until he shot me, of course. The new guy, baldy I think his name was, or something, was trying to lecture me about what I did. I kept zoning in and out, mostly trying to figure out what went wrong in the girl's shower. He said something about me being lucky not to be expelled, at which point I said one of the dumbest things I've ever said.
"But I thought they couldn't see me."
As it turns out, the local drug test technician was good looking. The results came back negative, and I had a date for that Saturday. Her husband, It seemed, wasn't at all to happy about that. In any case, I figured what happened was I got to exicted and slipped back into this dimension without thinking.
Later, I talked to a buddy of mine who also stayed for spring break. I told him I needed to increase my thought capacity. I told him it was for cramming before the tests. I don't think he believed me. His response was simple.
"I got just the thing you need dude."
At this point he handed me something that looked like a sugar cube.
"How is this going to help me?"
"Trust me dude." He said with a smile "This will help."
I woke up a few days later in a petting zoo. My first thought was why I do I trust him? And my second though was why was I naked? My third thought before getting up and leaving, whose tounge is that? I tried to hitchhike my way back to the college but I couldn't get a ride. For obvouse reasons. I ended up just walking. When I got back, I went back to my ex-buddies room, thinking about what to beat him with. I had to make a quick stop at my dorm of course.
"There you are dude. Man, you ran off with that frisbe, I thought the worst."
"I did what now? Wait, that's not why I'm here. Do you releize I woke up in some petting zoo in the next county, being licked by a camel?"
Okay, I may have enjoyed that, but the little girl who was watching didn't look like she was. My friend, of course, just started laughing at me. Now I have some missing clothes, a few days missing memories, and a sore fist. I thought a shower and some sleep would help. After a quick shower, and some food, I took off to my room to sleep. What happened next was why sleeping was a bad idea.
I ended up in a misty, foggy place. I assumed I was having a dream.
"Hello young one" Said some voice, which seemed to come from everywhere.
"Who are you?" I didn't care, but I asked anyway.
"I am Delores, keeper of dimensions."
"Oh, maybe you can tell me what I didn't wrong."
"That's easy, you trusted that guy."
"I didn't mean that."
"Oh, I can't explain all the wrong things you've done in your life."
"Not those either, stupid. Can you explain to me what went wrong in the girl's showers?"
It was at this point a large shadow came forward out of the mist. It looked rather frightening, but it turned out to be a yak.
"Who are you calling stupid, stupid?" Said the apparently disgruntled yak
"You. Say, what kind of person leaves a yak in charge anyway?"
"Yaks control everything."
"Oh make, that makes perfect sense. NOT!"
"Whatever. Look, we slipped you out of the dimension last time to teach you a lesson."
"Right, use my power for good, and not evil. Wait, why am I holding a soup can?"
"No, it was to teach you what happens if you screw up and slip back."
"But what about the soup can?"
"Most people ask why we let them do what they want, or why they were given this power, or at least why yaks control the universe, and you ask about some soup can?"
"I'm holding a soup can. It doesn't make any sense."
"Anyway… We let you do what you want because most people don't do much harm with this power. But mostly we don't care. And I don't think you're smart enough to do any real harm."
"It's a soup can. And it's empty. Why do I have an empty soup can?"
"Shut up about the can. Look, it's simple. Think about the deminsion you want to slip to, and you'll be there."
"I still don't get the empty soup can."
"We didn't have this problem with the last guy. I think they're just getting stupider." The yak mumbled as it walked away.
"You didn't explain about the soup can!" I yelled.
"Shut up about the damn soup can!" Shouted the yak, whose voice seemed to be coming from everywhere again.
It was at that point I woke up. I still wonder about that soup can. So, life went on. I stayed in the girl's shower a lot after that, even missed a few classes because of it. After all, I knew they couldn't see me anymore. Life was good for those few years. Then I graduated and had to find something new to do with my talent.
I didn't find something new for two years. I learned how to slip things into the dimension with me. It was purely by accident mind you. I slipped out, and forgot my wallet. So rather then slipping back to pick it up, I just thought in into my new dimension, and picked it up. I was sorta shocked it worked, and that I hadn't thought of it sooner. This made pick-pocketing rather easy, and I made a good living, for about five years. Then I decided to do something bigger. I'd steal a bank. Not the whole bank, mind you, but all the money inside of it.
This is where things went a little wrong. I did rob the place. It was easy. Wait for everyone to leave, slip into another dimension, walk in, take the money, and walk out. Then I'd go back to my place, and spend the money. Simple right? Of course, something managed to go wrong. To this day, I'm still not sure what happened, but my picture ended up on a camera. I was arrested promptly. My lawyer's defense was that if I robed the place, why am I only on one frame of film? Somehow I got convicted. Stupid jury. I promptly fired that lawyer and hired a new one.
He tried to appeal, but when that failed, he said an insanity plea would get me a shorter sentence. I thought he was the insane one. This brings us to where we are now. And I already know your first question.
"Why don't you just do that thing you do and sneak out?"
Simple, I'm waiting till tomorrow. I'm not sure why, I just am. Now go away, I feel like taking a nap.

"Hey, what are you people doing in my dream?"
"Who are you talking to?" Said a familiar voice.
I look about to see if I was in the same place I was last time I heard that voice. Nope, I wasn't, I was floating in some great white vastness.
"I knew you were dumb, but this exceeds my greatest expectations." Said Delores the yak, coming into existence.
"I may be dumb, but at least I'm not a yak"
It was at this point I was ripped into an infinite number of particles, then brought back.
"Okay, that hurt. Wait, I'm holding that damn soup can again."
I was blasted into an infinite number of particles again, then brought back.
"Please stop, that hurts." I said
"Not until you stop saying stupid things." Said that stupid yak
"Fine, I won't say anything."
"Good. You know, most people have fun with there talent, but you, deiced to harm as many people in a short period of time and you can by stealing everything that isn't nailed down."
"You said I could do what I wanted to."
Of course, the ripped into infinite particles thing happened again. And of course, I was put back togther.
"Ouch!" I said. "But, you did say that."
"And you said you wouldn't say anything." Said that damn yak "Now what about you pick-pocketing and bank robbing?"
"I know what I did was wrong. I'm sorry. I'll never do it again."
"I don't know if you will or not, but your going to spend that time in prison."
"I will, I promise on the soup can I'm holding."
How many times have I been ripped to infinity and back? Two, three? In any case, it happened again.
"Just to make sure you do serve your time. If you try and enter a new dimension, you will be ripped into an infinite number of particles… Again… and you'll be stuck like that for all eternity.
"Okay. I got it. Can I go now?"
"I guess" said Delores disappearing.
"Stupid yak" I said
"Now I know there getting stupider."
After being ripped apart again, I woke up.
"Stupid yak. There, I said it here where you can't get to me."
I stuck out my tongue, then promptly smacked myself for talking to myself again.
"No prison can hold me. And no stupid yak will keep me here"
After smacking myself again. And seeing my cell mate was looking at me rather oddly, I thought up a good dimension to slip off to. Upon deciding on that weird purple one, I slipped off. If I'd of known how painful being ripped into oblivion was, I would have asked to keep a mouth to scream with. Well, I guess that stupid yak was right. I'm stuck in the white vastness without a body forever.
"Damn empty soup can."